Rated laur

Laura. 23. Boston ad exec.

free is all that she could bleed that's why she'll never stay

http://followillfollower.tumblr.com/ask

real friends care about your boobs

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

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during a routine breast self-exam (you heard me. i do some adult things from time to time.) i found a ‘uuuuge lump in my right boob. after a call to my mom proved inconclusive, i naturally went to the medical authorities - webMD. the doc gave me about one million things that it could be and ultimately told me to see a doctor - annoying. so instead i went to my roommate. she’s pretty nursey and she didnt blink an eye at the mention of a lump. she just demanded i disrobe and got down to business - talk about love. i have some friends that ignore me half the time but tay went full on dr quinn in our living room. but alas…she ultimately had the same advice.

so i’m going to the doc. they’re probably gonna squish my poor right tit every which way before they tell me everything is likely fine. everything has to be fine. they cant go cutting into these babies (especially not my right one. it’s the runt.). they’re pretty much all i’ve got goin for me if i’m ever gonna land a man. it’s not like my mug and personality are gonna do it - i shot that horse in the face a long time ago. 

keep ya posted on this one. maybe i’ll have fun (read: gross) pictures for ya, kiddos. 

giving up the gun

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

civilians don’t need guns. i don’t care if you like to hunt or think theyre cool to collect. i dont care if you’ve never shot someone or have no intentions of ever doing so. the fact is there are people out there that have destroyed that right for you on an alarmingly frequent basis and it has to stop.

we can no longer stand idly by vehemently defending the recreational right of the few while our children are repeatedly slaughtered while exercising their right to an education or walking down the street or watching a movie. how many memorials and candle-light vigils is too many? when will we all just decide to relinquish our 2nd amendment right to save countless lives from the potential slaughter they could face the next time they walk into a classroom or an office.

think of these 18 dead babies and their 9 dead teachers and look me dead in the eye - no, look at yourself in the mirror - and say with a straight face that our laws dont need to change. that their lives are worth protecting our current gun laws (which btw would allow me…ME…to acquire a gun).

give it up folks. this system is proper fucked and i think we all need to recognize it.

#micdrop

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(Source: ic9, via )

real friends care about your boobs

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

image

during a routine breast self-exam (you heard me. i do some adult things from time to time.) i found a ‘uuuuge lump in my right boob. after a call to my mom proved inconclusive, i naturally went to the medical authorities - webMD. the doc gave me about one million things that it could be and ultimately told me to see a doctor - annoying. so instead i went to my roommate. she’s pretty nursey and she didnt blink an eye at the mention of a lump. she just demanded i disrobe and got down to business - talk about love. i have some friends that ignore me half the time but tay went full on dr quinn in our living room. but alas…she ultimately had the same advice.

so i’m going to the doc. they’re probably gonna squish my poor right tit every which way before they tell me everything is likely fine. everything has to be fine. they cant go cutting into these babies (especially not my right one. it’s the runt.). they’re pretty much all i’ve got goin for me if i’m ever gonna land a man. it’s not like my mug and personality are gonna do it - i shot that horse in the face a long time ago. 

keep ya posted on this one. maybe i’ll have fun (read: gross) pictures for ya, kiddos. 

anxiously awaiting the days.

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

while reminiscing about our college days last night and sharing a good, raucous belly laugh, my roommate uttered the age-old cliche, ‘ahh…those were the days.’ mind you, we had been laughing about how hateful i had been, how my then roommate had contracted scabies and taylor (current roommate) had been arrested and gotten in a fight with a paper towel dispenser. my retort seemed appropriate when i asked, ‘were they?’ ‘no, no i guess not,’ taylor chortled back at me. 

we then spent the next few minutes trying to figure out when these ‘days’ are supposed to happen. did we miss them? WERE those the ‘days’ and they just werent that great? are THESE the ‘days’? seeing as how i had spent 21 hours in bed moping and listening to butch walker and taylor swift between unconsciousness prior to this conversation i CERTAINLY hope not. not to mention…you guys read this blog…do these sound like the ‘days’? lets be honest.

so, now i’m wondering: when are these nebulous ‘days’. i mean, milk isn’t $0.05, syphilis is making a comeback in alabama, heath ledger and steve jobs are dead and i work in and industry where someone took a shit in a conference room the other day. i just really dont see myself reminiscing about these as the ‘good old days’. 

will they be when i get married? or when i have kids? will i think these are the ‘days’ when im older? maybe that’s how it works. i certainly hope so. maybe when i’m married with kids and covered in puke and up to my ears in diapers thats when the pangs of nostalgia will hit and the days of middle management, sexual exploration, and being covered in my OWN puke while up to my ears in boy troubles will be the ‘days’. yeah…maybe. 

until then i guess i’m just gonna have to try to keep the butch walker to a minimum, the savy b’s to a maximum and keep doing things just for the story and hope that the next time i say ‘ahhh…those were the days…’ it actually feels right (vs horribly depressing). 

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giving up the gun

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

civilians don’t need guns. i don’t care if you like to hunt or think theyre cool to collect. i dont care if you’ve never shot someone or have no intentions of ever doing so. the fact is there are people out there that have destroyed that right for you on an alarmingly frequent basis and it has to stop.

we can no longer stand idly by vehemently defending the recreational right of the few while our children are repeatedly slaughtered while exercising their right to an education or walking down the street or watching a movie. how many memorials and candle-light vigils is too many? when will we all just decide to relinquish our 2nd amendment right to save countless lives from the potential slaughter they could face the next time they walk into a classroom or an office.

think of these 18 dead babies and their 9 dead teachers and look me dead in the eye - no, look at yourself in the mirror - and say with a straight face that our laws dont need to change. that their lives are worth protecting our current gun laws (which btw would allow me…ME…to acquire a gun).

give it up folks. this system is proper fucked and i think we all need to recognize it.

#micdrop

image

(Source: ic9, via )

reality tv, the deep south and america’s cultural crisis

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

immigration has been a hot button issue over the past few years. politicians have traveled the nation discussing their plans for how they’re going to protect our borders from our neighbors to the south and everyone seems to have an opinion. i assure you that i am no different. we americans are experiencing a cultural crisis as a result of certain southern neighbors but i think where i differ from the blue-suited blow hards is which south i’m talking about. i’m looking at you west virginia, alabama, mississippi and georgia (some parts). our borders DO need protecting and while i do love me some country music, deep fried food and peanut butter…i’m gonna go ahead and start suggesting that that big ass fence they keep talking about be relocated a few hundred miles. 

i know, i know. half of you hate me already but i’m sorry i’m not sorry. watch a weekend’s worth of MTV reality shows and you’ll know exactly what i’m talking about. the fact that the people on these shows even know what a tv camera is when it’s aimed at them is astounding. it’s hard for me to see the shows ‘buckwild’, ‘teen mom’ and ‘catfish’ as anything other than indictments of the southern educational system. 

take ‘buckwild’ for example. this show is a new reality show that will soon premier on MTV. this show follows some back woods kids in wv just trying to have a good time. one of them even says that he doesn’t have that ‘internet thing’.  the show is like all the clips from an episode of tosh.0 but on purpose. they run around, injure themselves and play in mud all while butchering the english language (not to mention embarrassing their state).

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im also well aware that not ALL of the teen moms are from the south but you have to give it to me that a stupid number of them are. the correlation can not be ignored. one has to ask oneself if MTV is doing this on purpose - just sitting in their NYC towers thinking of the next way they can get young, dumb kids from mississippi or alabama to unknowingly humiliate themselves on teeeeveeee. 

well. they found it with ‘catfish’, the series adaptation of the horrifying documentary about a guy who falls in love online with a hot chick and then finds out she’s a creepy, un-hot 40-year-old woman. said guy, nev, helps people who have been in sketchy online relationships find out if their digital paramour is who ‘they say they is’. while the trailer may list rochester, ny as a city i assure you i’ve only seen atlanta and mississippi. and i watch this show every chance i get. let me be clear. i’m not admonishing these people for getting into online relationships. i’m judging them for not thinking it’s weird that 1) their love interest refuses to talk on the phone, 2) has an iphone but ‘doesnt have skype’, 3) lives in their town but can’t meet up or 4) has only sent them 3 pictures in four years. THESE PEOPLE AREN’T SMART. and i guess you’d have to be a little dim to enter into a serious relationship with some rando you met on myspace or facebook. if you want to meet someone online…try an actual dating site, folks. it’s not that hard. at least it’s not for the northern hemisphere of the country.

i know this diatribe sounds harsh but i couldnt bite my tongue and if you guys are genuinely surprised by that then im surprised by that. mtv may have struck gold but they’ve done so at the expense of america’s integrity. we look like complete backwater assholes to anyone else who may be watching. not that my blog is doing anything to contribute to society’s highbrow culture needs either but cmon. at least i have the internet and know who i’m sending my dirty pictures to. take that. 

10 things i want my future spawn to know

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

i know. this blog title sounds a little weird coming from the girl who 1) seems to have a hard enough time taking care of herself and 2) is painfully single but to that i say: 1) inspiration struck and 2) fuck you. that’s not nice. 

girls (even the non-baby crazy ones like me) think about this shit no matter what stage of life they happen to be in so i felt like putting a little bit of the thought process down here for posterity sake. 

so here’s looking at you, kid…

1) you may hate your hair cut but i promise you will look super dope. those kids (and less stylish adults) that will tease you don’t know shit. 

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2) same goes for your name. it’s probably not going to be appreciated in kindergarten or when you’re trying to learn to spell it (or hell, say it) but you’ll thank me when you’re older and not a ‘mike’ or ‘tiffany’.

3) the glasses and scarf combo will be a hit. and yes. i WILL have to post it to that blog.

4) dont try to hide shit from me. you’re not gonna be good at it. i’m always gonna find out. remember you only get HALF of my intelligence.

5) i will be speaking to you with an english accent because i want you to have one. just make me happy and oblige…okay?

6) no standard lullabies for you. you’re gonna have good taste in music. so you won’t know the words to rockabye baby…big deal? 

7) i may or may not try to put you up for adoption every time you make me mad though i realize the appropriate course of action is called ‘grounding’. 

8) you were THIS close to being asian but that shit is too expensive. they’ll give em away to anyone so long as they’re sane and have the cash. you’re 100% mine. huzzah. 

9) if you have hot hands, flat hair and a propensity for respiratory infections…that would be my fault. so…sorry.

10) im sure you’ll get tired of taking pictures with the dog but i wont. tough shit, cookie.

inner monologue of a (crazy) girl receiving oral sex

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

i get a lot of shit for being quite possibly the only girl on the planet that doesnt enjoy oral sex. now, dont read that wrong. if i’m bored with my sweetie pie on a sunday afternoon, a BJ is first on my list of top 5 things to do to pass the time. but if he’s bored? he’s going to have to come up with something else to return the favor.

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no one understands why. ive tried to explain it a million different ways to no avail. people just look at me like im a martian. then, i was perusing thought catalogue this am and saw a great article detailing the inner monologue of someone getting a BJ. i decided to do the same thing to give you a better idea. 

here we go:

ohhh…no no no. stop that. too low. what am i supposed to do? i could pull him up by his hair but that just seems mean. i mean, he’s trying to do something that’s generally considered to be a very nice thing and i’m trying to scalp him? no. crap.

OKAY that tickles. keep. it. together. laura. maybe if i grab him by the chi…yes. okay whew. just making out now. that…i can do. did i even shave down there?  ugh, it’ll be like he’s making out with a guy with a 5:00 shadow and weird breath. at least i showered. 

oh, wah. he’s southbound again and i didn’t even get to enjoy the makeout. and i still can’t remember if i shaved. fuckkkkkk. i’m just going to have to let it happen. breatheeeee. and make noises. okay here goes. he says he likes it. should i not be feeling bad for him? i feel bad for him. but he is incredibly talented - i can at least tell that. and thank GOD he cant see my face right now. 

okay. it’s been like 1.5 minutes. he must be tired and ready to be done. i’m just gonna go ahead and end this. put him out of his misery. again…SO glad he can’t see my face right now.

aaaaannndddd we’re done. now i’ll make out with him. say ‘thank you’ and let that be that. 

and that, dear readers, is why i don’t like oral sex. that’s the thought process that’s going on in my head the entire time. you try enjoying anything while that’s going on inside your noggin.

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what’s in your bag?

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

girls on tumblr have this tendency to take beautiful pictures of their bags with the contents splayed out next to them. 

exhibit a:

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never one to shy away from a trend…i wanted to do the same. i, however, in true laura mcwhorter fashion…am not like these other girls.

exhibit b:

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if you ask me, the contents of my purse (and the disarray which i have displayed them) are much more realistic for a 26-year-old white chick. where the woman in exhibit a for some reason carries around an empty tom’s shoes bag…i carry around polaroids of loved ones and a fuck ton of prescription drugs. where she has a mini elephant and a judy blume book…i have cigarettes, makeup and a dollar. (those who were hoping to marry me for my money…there’s cash in that wallet. don’t worry.)

but whatever. to each her own. just giving you a little insight into my bag as opposed to my life or bedroom for once. 

xoxo

***note: upon clean up, it was discovered that that ziplock baggie was actually moldy. huzzah.

apple pie in the sky kinda shit

thekidsarerelativelyokay:

We’ve all said it, “I’m trying to not get my hopes up.” Or, “I don’t have high hopes this time.” But after you’ve been disappointed enough you come to learn, not that you failed to manage that pest that is hope, but that there’s no such thing as low hopes.

Saying ‘high hopes’ is like saying ‘skank ho’ or ‘rich white republican’. Is there any other kind? Sure, there’s the random hooker with the heart of gold and the white trash, racist republican but I’m not talking about them (and I’m definitely not talking about racist hopes - those are something totally different.).

I digress. The point is we can’t help it. We can try to tell ourselves to rein em in all we want but once our expectations start their ascent, the climb is rapid and uncontrollable until we find ourselves dangling there waiting for the ground to catch up to our feet or our heart slash face to catch our not-so-graceful crash landing. (which is most likely what’s gonna happen every time if we’re talking about me. which…we are.)

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